Greetings from San Antonio, Texas! We’re 3 days and 4 cities into the trip so far. It’s a little chilly down here, but not quite as cold as Indiana [which got almost 3 feet of snow the day we left–warmth is a relative thing, right?]. We’ll be trying to outrun the cold as we head down to South Padre Island for the next few days and I’ll being doing my best to shoot a bunch of video postcards on the way.
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Surrounding yourself with like minded people can be awesome. The encouragement you receive and the focus you’re able to achieve can be incredible. Because of this I believe that surrounding yourself is essential if you’re ever going to do anything impossible. This week I’ve actually been putting it into practice and meeting up with lots of different people on my border to border road trip and the more people I meet, the more I’m convinced that creating a circle of like-minded people should be a non-negotiable task on your to-do list.
But there’s a danger to it as well…
….and a lot of people fall into it.
The Hidden Danger
Like a lot of things in life, the thing that makes something so great, is also the biggest drawback. In this case, the danger is the like-mindedness itself.
When you surround yourself with only like-minded people, it’s very easy to stop there and just surround yourself with people who agree with you because you all have the same beliefs, think the same way and do the same things. It becomes very easy to simply accept that something is true because enough of the people around you say it’s true and accept that what you believe is right just because people around you say it’s right.
Instead of wrestling with hard questions, you settle for token answers to token questions. Instead of legitimately asking questions that might challenge the way you think, the things you do and the things you think are possible, you let the beliefs of your group guide you and group think takes over.
You adopt their viewpoints, their mantras, their quotes, their hobbies and their interests. You’ll see this behaviour everywhere, from people in churches to politics to sports teams to blogging circles. Instead of resulting in a thinking group of people constantly questioning “why?” and searching for the best answer possible to all the hard questions, it’s very easy for your like-minded group of thinkers to turn into a nice little circle where everyone pats each other on the back. Telling each other how good/smart/interesting each one of you are while insulating themselves from any type of dissent and ignoring the hard [and oftentimes legitimate] questions that other people have about the way that your little group does things.
A Better Way
Don’t just surround yourself with like-minded people. If you’re a paleo dieter, don’t surround yourself with just people who practice paleo. If you’re a Republican, don’t just surround yourself with Republican. If you’re a hardcore tractor pull enthusiast, don’t just surround yourself with other hardcore tractor pull enthusiasts.
Here’s a good rule that might help: If you’re a ______, don’t just surround yourself with ______s. You can fill in the blank yourself with whatever label you want [or better yet, don’t use labels at all].
What if you tried this?
Instead of surrounding yourself with people who have the exact same thoughts that you do, surround yourself with people who challenge you, the things you do and the things you think.
Get people around you who are willing to ask you the hard questions. People who are willing to challenge your beliefs, even when they don’t necessarily disagree with you. People who aren’t just “yes men”, simply interested in maintaining the status quo of whatever group they happen to be a part of, but people who are constantly pushing the limits of what they do and what they think.
Of course, I don’t expect you to simply agree with me just because I wrote it. What do you think? [And yes, I fully expect some of you to challenge me :)].
That’s one of the reasons I always talk to people around me. Airplanes, buses, grocery lines. It’s just as important to be challenged as it is to be supported.
Check out my post on Killing Your Brain
http://breakthewallsnow.com/2010/12/how-youre-killing-your-brain/
Thanks for the mention.
It’s just as important to be challenged as it is to be supported. <– More Good Stuff Dan. I really like that.
I have just left a situation where the only acceptable answers were the token answers that were expected. I attempted to challenge the status and was slapped down hard. I had a choice to make: stick it out and become a drone or change the field of play.
I opted to change the field of play. Moving on to new challenges, finding people that are willing to hear a dissenting view that might force the question “Why?”.
Good for you Ben. I’ve said before – if you don’t like the rules of the game, change the game. Be a game changer :).
I agree… as iron sharpens iron, one mans sharpens another.
Very true… We must keep our associations promising, if we want to have a promising future.
Nice quote – who’s it from?
Lol..ME….
very nice 🙂
I’m pretty sure a wise old man once said that…I think more people should listen to him :).
That’s from the Bible. Ever read it?
Some good points here (I’ll leave it to others to point out what they like).
I disagree with not using labels at all though. Labeling and categorizing is how we as humans process the world; every word we use is a label to represent something else. Trying to avoid labels is pointless and does not lead to a better life, it leads to aimless wandering (you can’t have goals if you don’t label them as something). If we decide to be ambiguous regarding how we view ourself, good look on achieving anything “impossible” (which is itself another label).
I think it is good to have a mix of people in your life regarding the interests that they indulge in. However, I think it is good to stick with like-minded people when it comes to being ambitious and wanting more from life. Harder to get value from people that have settled for the template life of sitting in front of their TV.
What about instead of trying to avoid labels, we just stop worrying about them? Labels aren’t bad themselves, but the obsession we can have with them, can be. What about surrounding yourself with like-ambition-ed people rather than just like-minded people?
You are a closet tractor-pull enthusiast, aren’t you? Glad you came to terms with that one in such a public manner. I am proud of you Joel, you have come a long way!
🙂
I think you bring up an important point, and that is to constantly challenge yourself, not just with the people you surround yourself with, but in all aspects of life.
Tractor Pulls are my favorite 🙂 I’ve been found out.
Like minded people should not only agree with you, but they should challenge you as well. It does not have to be one big agree-fest just because you are like-minded.
The danger in surrounding yourself with non-like minded people is that you may eventually become like them. I forgot who said it, but someone said you eventually become the sum of your 5 closest friends. This may be OK if the other people are forward positive people, but if they are constantly challenging you in a negative way, then not so much.
Even with social media, I find it difficult as a 23 year old guy not following the “traditional life” to meet up with like-minded people in person. I think it is more difficult to meet up with like-minded people than non like-minded people.
The biggest trait in “like-minded” people you should look for (in my opinion) is focus on growth. If your friends are looking to grow & challenge each other, you shouldn’t worry about becoming like them. 🙂
I’m glad I landed in your path of people you’ve met along the way! Whereas, I agree that it is very important to find people that challenge us to really know why we make the decision we do(ie those that think very differently) I do also feel you must still have a group of like minded people you can turn to when you start doubting yourself or questioning the ability to achive your dream. As we all know, this does happen. And, when it does, we need those like minded people to be encouragment. Thank you for being encouragement!
It was good to meet you too Alisha! I’m right there with you – like most things in life, I think it all has to do with balance between the two extremes.
AGREED! I try to read the occasional book by someone I fully disagree with. DIALOGUE=(OPINIONS-STEREOTYPES+RESPECT). JSJ
P.S. I wrote a post on this called “Are You Stablilizing or Shifting Paradigms?”
http://tiny.cc/4j18e
I intentionally read people that I disagree with. Sometimes it ends up making me mad, but it still helps me address questions & issues that I wouldn’t have necessarily thought of to start with and help me understand why they make me mad in the first place.
Wish I would have known you were coming to San Antonio, would have bought you lunch.
Love the blog, if your coming back through would love to meet you.
I’ll be back through on Thursday!
Labels are important whether anyone likes them or not. It defines who we are. I’m a skateboarder. I’m a blogger. I’m a traveler. It’s hard to aim for something if you can’t put a name to it. I do get the frustration with some labels as people don’t like to be put into boxes though.
The issue I have with challenging people is when you first meet people and you don’t know them well, how far can you push that envelope? I’m usually always one to speak my mind, tell you when you have a bad idea, and ask questions that lead you to your own answers. However, not everybody wants this. Many times people just want to hear what they want to hear and are only asking you because they want to ground their own beliefs deeper. If I begin pushing someone, like I usually do, it can end up ugly. Challenging someone’s belief system that is fairly solid can make someone feel really threatened.
As someone who wants to be challenged, I don’t think it matters where that challenge comes from like-minded or not… I want people to push buttons, ask questions, and make me think… too often, I find people well… not.
Thanks for the awesome thoughts Jenny! I think the important question to ask the person first is – do you want to be challenged or just told that you’re right? Lots of people are just looking for affirmation. Others are looking to grow. You need to learn how to differentiate between the two…otherwise, you stand a good chance of just making people mad.
It’s basically like building a competent team. You’d never want to put the same type of people on a team to get the best results. You’ll want people with different experiences, skills, behaviors, etc…
That’s a good analogy 🙂
so glad to learn about you via @whereisjenny! totally agree with this. i love to have my assumptions challenged. i don’t want to think i have it all figured out. man, would that ever be mentally boring. it’s what fuels me to travel, and as a doc filmmaker, as an anthropologist. i want to hear it all and have my opinion changed, or not…but have my mind opened. the biggest example of surrounding myself w/too like-minded folks, was living in the bay area when bush was re-elected. i couldn’t believe it, never expected it, was shocked! then i looked on the TV map of the red & blue states and duh, i’d lived in a blue cocoon. great post and travel philosophy. following, liking, rss-ing 🙂
Jenny is all sorts of awesome :). Thanks for subscribing and sticking around. I’m looking forward to being challenged by you!
Damn it, I’m going to agree with you anyway . . . terrific advice, Joel! During most of my life as a _musician_, I’ve been guilty of surrounding myself with only _musician_s. Seeking a new circle friends [like yourself], who look at life from different perspectives than me and my old musical cohorts, has had an extremely positive impact. It’s expanded the relatively small box that I lived in previously, and has shown me many opportunities and options that I never before knew existed. Great post, dude!
How dare you agree with me? :). I’ll let it fly this one time. Keep finding people who are different. Their perspectives can help shape yours.
The best stories have a great antagonist. Someone from whom the main character can learn and grow because of. Sometimes the antagonist is outwardly trying to stand in their way, sometimes they just disagree enough to challenge them.
As you’ve written before (I love the book as well), who doesn’t want to live a life story that is epic?
You got a chance to read it? Shoot me your thoughts on it, if you get a chance. 🙂
I’m halfway through. Unfortunately I had this BRILLIANT program/course that I was beginning to create when I started out on my own (http://www.opheliaswebb.com/2010/08/being-the-author-of-your-own-life/) without even knowing about the book.
A friend who knew my plan sheepishly sent me the link with a note “Damn…sorry…” 🙂
Is it still on then?
Great post Joel. Very timely for me right now, love the insight. Thanks!
Thanks Sarah 🙂
Sometimes when you push or challenge those close to you, they don’t want to hear, despite how good the intentions are. I recently challenged my friend on her thoughts/opinions about her adopting a child. I felt there was a contradiction in her statements and that she just wants to wallow in her misery. It is a difficult subject but I challenged her to rethink her arguments. I did this as gently as possible but she is not happy with me right now. I am beginning to question whether she wants to remain static while I push forward with my own “impossible things”. It is hard to let old friends go, however…sigh.
Speaking truth to people is a hard thing to do. Gotta be careful in who & how you deliver it.
What book is Elisa talking about?
A Million Miles In A Thousand Years –> You can get it here
What uuuuup Joel?
Man I have never heard advice like this before. Thanks for sharing this idea, your just right. I good mixture from across the spectrum of attitudes would be of benefit helping us grow as people.
Great take on the influence of others
bLAZE yOUR tRAIL
Thanks for stopping by Ryan!
Great post Joel. I agree with your insights. That is why we have gridlock in Washington. Democrats listen only to Democrats & Republicans to Republicans. It is the independents who are making the decisions for both parties. Republicans are pressured by their extreme radical right wing & Democrats by their extreme left wing. The unorganized independents, keep an open mind & keep both parties honest.
I was a Republican. Thank God I am an open minded independent now.
Keep up the good work.
Try diving into spirituality,that stands the first amongst all the impossible stuffs.
I specifically Googled ” The dangers of.surrounding yourself with like minded people” and I found this well written piece. My theory is.that if you don’t branch out of a.group.that share.the.same.opinion and.beliefs that you run the rush of a mob mentality. That Closing your mind to diversity and difference is a.form of ignorance.
I agree … the only surround yourself with like minded people crowd concerns me … how do you stretch and grow your brain and your thinking if everyone always agrees with you? Obviously you want people who challenge you in a good way and aren’t just argumentative … I think you are spot on!