You walk into a room and everyone is sitting around a long dinner table. As you stand there, you look around the room and notice a lot of different faces there, familiar and unfamiliar, all sitting down. They’re laughing, eating, and having fun but you also see serious conversations and business deals happening. Everyone in general seems very comfortable with their surroundings and at ease with each other. You start to notice the faces of people sitting down.
- People you look up to.
- People more famous than you
- People more successful than you
- People funnier than you
- People smarter than you
And you…well you’re still standing there.
There’s an empty seat waiting…but…
- No one turns to greet you
- No one seems to notice you’re there
- No one seems really cares
So you’re still standing. On the outside. By yourself.
You start to convince yourself you don’t fit in there. You think to yourself, “Everyone here knows what they’re talking about. They’re all so smart, so comfortable, so relaxed, so polished. I’m not so sure I should be here…”
And there’s that empty seat again…
You want to sit down, but you have a million questions running through your mind.
- Is that spot for me?
- Is someone else sitting there?
- Is there something I’m missing?
- What will they think?
- Do they even know I’m here?
Then all your insecurities start to bubble up
- I’m not smart enough.
- I’m not successful enough.
- I’m not charismatic enough.
- I’m not good enough.
- I’m not pretty enough.
- I’m not talented enough.
- I’m not strong enough.
- I’m not artistic enough.
You’re terrified.
You look back again…still empty.
The seat is still open…empty…waiting…
—-
Empty Seats
There’s a million chairs in life just waiting for you to sit down in them. Waiting for you to take your seat, act like you belong, and make a difference. The people at the table aren’t inviting you to join. They’re busy networking, conversing, hustling and making a difference. Most of them won’t be interested in how you feel, and don’t really care that you’re terrified.
But none of that matters
As long as you believe you won’t fit in, you won’t.
Assume you’ll fit in. Act like you belong, take that empty seat, sit your butt down and do something.
You’ll probably not be ready to do it.
You’ll probably look stupid.
You’ll probably say something dumb.
And you’ll probably screw up somehow.
But the only person telling you not to sit down is you. The only doubts in the room are in your mind. The only missteps you’ve made so far are imaginary.
You can either stand there for eternity and imagine every possible bad scenario or you can take your seat, act like you belong and make your mark on the world.
The world’s waiting. Take your seat…because it won’t be empty forever.
Joel, Thanks for this reminder to take a chance to make something happen. I love the vivid imagery you evoked! Nicely written post.
Thanks Stephanie 🙂 Glad it resonated with you.
Truth!! A great reminder that we are own worst enemy. It is up to ourselves to decide we are worth it! No one else will.
It’s interesting how we can “think” ourselves out of opportunities just by telling ourselves that there is none.
I would recommend you to read The Inner Ring” by C. S. Lewis: http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring.php
It can be boring at the beguinning, but keep reading, his view on the rings are quite interesting…
“Once the first novelty is worn off, the members of this circle will be no more interesting than your old friends. Why should they be? You were not looking for virtue or kindness or loyalty or humour or learning or wit or any of the things that can really be enjoyed. You merely wanted to be “in.” And that is a pleasure that cannot last. As soon as your new associates have been staled to you by custom, you will be looking for another Ring. The rainbow’s end will still be ahead of you. The old ring will now be only the drab background for your endeavor to enter the new one.”
I should clarify:
I’m not looking for people to try & fit in with other people just ’cause, but often people exclude themselves from doing something because they don’t think they’re *that* type of person who does it.
I.e. I didn’t train for triathlons until last year because my whole life I told myself I didn’t “fit in” with that crowd. It has less to do with other people liking you & more to do with “what are you pre-disqualifying” yourself from doing just because you don’t “think” you can do it?
Does that make more sense?
Hi Joel,
Thank you for the response. Yes, it does make sense. But if that’s not about getting into a ring, why do you have to sit at the table. I.e. Couldn’t you just run triathlons because you want to – without anybody watching?
If you’re doing it to have fellow triathlons athletes admin you as one of their own and have non-triathlons-athletes look up on you, it sounds a lot like a ring.
If you’re just doing it for yourself, grab that seat and do what you want. The seat is yours, grab it. However, in that case, there is no table or other people sitting there. It’s just you grabbing that seat and going for it regardless of what others may think.
Alastair wrote a blog entry on that. Let me find it and I’ll post it in a follow-up comment.
Best,
Olivier
I actually agree with you more than you think.
Let me try to rephrase this:
The table is a place where things “happen.” Sure there are other people involved but the point is, there are a lot of opportunities available to you and the only way you’ll be able to take advantage of them is if you step up and take your seat. It’s not about “fitting in”, in fact you probably won’t sometimes, but if you never step up & try, then you’ll never know.
No problem. I do like your posts and I’m just putting more context which may sound (be?) critical but I really like the general message of your blog. Keep it going…
Best
Totally okay. Any context and/or criticism is always welcome. I appreciate thought out comments & in depth analysis a lot. It can be a nice break from simple “liking.” Thanks Olivier
Joel, unfortunately I don’t think your platform is big enough to get this message out to all that need it. Honestly, this needs to be taught to children as soon as they can listen! And then re-taught every year of our lives!
This is huuuuuge and changes everything. People need to believe in themselves and just go for it. Make that seat theirs!
Little things grow exponentially with time…
Thanks for the kind words David :). Glad this was impactful for you. Feel free to share 🙂
David,
The US culture is very much already telling kids to “Go for it”, that they can “Do it”.
Other cultures are not that way.
You can look at the following cartoon to illustrate it in a US vs French culture example: http://www.lesfrenchies.net/popups/mumparc_h900_203k.jpg
Here is the blog entry from Alastair : http://www.alastairhumphreys.com/2011/02/blog-expedition/
And he sums it up as “Would I do this thing if nobody every found out?”
If nobody ever finds out, it’s just you and your seat.
If you need the table and the interactions with others and are essentially trying to get admitted at the table, well it sounds a lot like you’re trying to get into a ring…
I actually have a blog post coming up on that 🙂 Stay tuned…
This post is enlightening. I know that we have all been in this exact situation where we doubt ourselves and our potential. I think growing up we always feel like we have to grow up to be SOMEONE. But who is that person? Why can’t we grow up to be ourselves with a passion and with confidence in whatever we fall into. I think if schools started implementing traveling programs at a younger age, children would grow up with more awareness of the rest of the world which would then tear that wall down from them feeling like they don’t fit in as they get older. Just a thought. Great post. You got my brain working on this fabulous Friday!
Hey Meg, Good points but be careful. It’s easy to blame the programs we grew up in, the circumstances, etc and play the “what if” game, but you can’t change any of that. But, you do get to choose how you react. Make the most of it.
I think my age causes me to sit outside of the conversation. I feel too young to earn the respect of my coworkers. I feel too young to start my own organization, I feel too inexperienced to be able to tell other what I think. I need to start changing the way I feel and the way I think, because these are all lies. Lies that make me complacent. Lies that make me settle.
Thanks for your encouragement.
Best way deal with the demons? Put them to the test and realize for yourself that they’re nothing more than lies in your head. It’s amazing the doors that open up when you decide you’re going to walk through them one way or another. Good luck Matt
Good Advice! I really appreciate your insight and response.
Sure thing 😉
Each one of those people had to have the nerve/determination/audacity to sit down at the table BEFORE you got there. I think when we choose to sit down and join the table/make our mark and spankin’ do something, it could open up another chair and invite someone else to the table. Hmmm…I’m hoping I’m making sense (I’m pretty hopped up on caffeine at the moment). Plus, someone had to be the first one at the table, making things happen, waiting for you to show up. Your right Joel, the world is totally waiting on us.
@Olivier- I get what you are saying about the ring. I think sitting at the table, gut-checking our motivations and spankin’ doing something is so much better than not sitting at the table with our good motivations and not do anything. I think even if we sit down with “bad” intentions and created something, something good and wonderful can still come out of it and help someone else in the process.
Do something. Make the pie bigger. Invite other people in. Thanks for the killer comment Jermaine 🙂
Wow! Thank you so much for this! What a great visual of the way we let our limiting beliefs keep us from reaching our fullest potential. Love it!
Glad you enjoyed it Robin. Thanks for the kind words.
Very interesting point about how we perceive ourselves around others; i dont know about the fitting in part though. Simply sitting down in one of the seat means your just doing what everyone else has done. If your going to make a joke of yourself in the first place, you might as well jump about and get people to recognize you, not just ‘sit down!’
I think I might have worded that point better, but as I said earlier in my discussion w/ Olivier, it’s not about “fitting in” in order to fit in. It’s about realizing that you should stop disqualifying yourself prematurely just “cause” you don’t think you’ll fit in with what’s expected. The point is to realize you probably won’t fit in and decide to do something anyways.
Ok, so this is sort of a chick thing, but have you ever seen Sheryl Sandberg’s (COO of Facebook) TED Talk about why we have too few women leaders? http://www.ted.com/talks/sheryl_sandberg_why_we_have_too_few_women_leaders.html
It is about how she has watched time and again in high profile business meetings when people pulled up seats around the table women would stand to the side and back and wait to be invited to sit at the table.
I laughed at the whole thing. When I was skipping up the corporate ladder not only was I one of the first to pull up seats in meetings, I’d pull up a seat right next to a VP running the whole thing. It’s amazing what uttering commentary under your breath during a meeting to someone who can help your career will do for you!
I’m not sure how I lost that willingness in going out on my own. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
I’ve seen that link passed around quite a bit and I think you might be the exception rather than the rule to it (otherwise, I’m not sure the talk would have been so popular). Thanks Elisa 🙂
I know this will be hard to believe, but you are not the first person to note I am an exception rather than a rule. 🙂
Much as you noted, though (and not only a women’s problem) there are a number of opportunities and great experiences missed out on when we hesitate to take our seat.
Agreed!
What’s up, Joel?
I’m a first time reader and commenter.
I found the post poignant.
For me it’s not just a metaphor. As a shy kid, I often experienced fear, uncertainty and doubt in these very sort of social situations.
Amy Martin blogged about the need to practicing non-conformity. I found that a useful piece of information.
Genetics, or social conditioning, or circumstances, may have made you, or me, the person who hesitates to take the open seat.
But we have the choice to not be “that person”.
Not simply by WILLING ourselves to change…
But by practicing.
For those who don’t find themselves ultra-confident in these “take your seat” type of situations (be they literal or metaphorical)…
Take comfort in the fact that you CAN get better.
By practicing. And being willing to go through the awkward phase. Until you get better.
Thanks for the post, JR. I’m rummaging through your archives, now.
Bolaji.
Thanks for stopping by Bolaji!
The crazy thing about life is, we always have a choice. We can choose to sit down and we can choose to go through that awkward phase and learn to suck less, until we get better.
Thanks for stopping by Bolaji. See you around =)
Your post made me literally “take my seat” and join the “conversation at the table”, which I have been hesitant of for some time now, being the shy person I am. Never like to open up, reveal too much about my life, especially in difficult times, as are now. But I will be brave because in order to comment I have to tell you why this post touched me so much. This is a period of a very big change in my life, it is huge actually, because not one thing is same as before…not a thing, including my family, my friends, my home, the country I live in, even myself. It seems like I have lost a lot, in fact everything, at times even my sanity, but I am proud to say I am getting a grip of my life, getting better and stronger each day, positive and hopeful, and I start to see the bright side of this situation. I am totally free (still a little lost), having nothing means a fresh new start, which means I could do anything and there is nothing holding me back and nothing to lose. Here comes your point, whatever was holding me back until now was just myself and all my excuses. I think it is the right moment in my life to start taking chances and believing I could do anything.
Thank you for putting it so well, you have inspired me.
Frelos
Frelos-
Glad to make an impact. Very cool to hear about everything that’s going on with you & all the changes happening. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help out with the new direction. Congrats on taking your seat. – Joel
Not taking a seat is the story of my life.
Im traveling at the moment, and with every new hostel I walk into this room with this dinner table… still trying to “take my seat”.
Thanks for the inspiring words.
No problem Ian. Safe travels!
And that’s exactly what happened with me today! Today… I’ve been there into that room where everyone is sitting along a long dinner table and I didn’t know should I step in, or step out! Thank you for putting my emotions into wonderful words. And it’s so scary that I stumbled upon this post tonight! 🙂
So what’d you do?